Fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time, there was and there was not…” Yet what I recount in this book is not a fairy tale. It is reality itself! Even so, I existed, and then I suddenly disappeared. This is the story of a disappearance that lasted six months — a disappearance that left behind pain, curiosity, longing and anxiety. Although only the camera footage from Lebanon airport remained of me, the collaborating Lebanese government denied it and paved the way for months of torture. Who knows through what agreements they handed me over to the Turkish authorities… They tried to erase my voice, my presence, my image.
Six months of resistance, together with darkness, thirst, pain and the screams of torture, after being abducted from Lebanon and taken to a secret torture centre in Ankara! Six months of a lifetime slipping through my fingers! In six months, a baby begins to crawl. It makes its first sounds. Its hands begin to grasp things. In my six months, they tried to steal my life, my health, my longings.
In those six months, they tried to tear me away from my personality, my values and my beliefs through every kind of torture: electricity, electric shocks, harassment, attempted rape, confinement in coffin-like cells, attempts to drown me in water, suspension, and severe beatings. Every part of my body bruised and swelled, wounds and scars formed. I lost 25 kilograms. 898 wounds were inflicted on my body. At one point, I was abandoned in a field, unrecognisable.
Why? Because I am a revolutionary… Because I struggle with the longing for a free, independent, equal and just country… Because I love my homeland, my people and my comrades… Because even though three revolutionaries from my family were murdered, I continued to be a revolutionary… Because during six months I did not speak to my torturers and did not betray my comrades or my people. All these tortures, and my detention for three and a half years afterwards, the unlawful and unjust sentence I received, and the continuation of house arrest are all results of this vengeance.
Although I have experienced indescribable pain, what truly hurts me is the silence in the face of so much oppression, torture and injustice. In every pain, every difficulty and every injustice I faced, I drew my strength from my comrades, my people and those dear ones whom I bid farewell to immortality. I never lost hope for a single moment. Just as I emerged from six months of torture through the solidarity of my people, I believe that with their support the unlawful and unjust sentence against me will also be overturned.
I conclude with the words of Hazrat Ali:
“Do not bow before injustice, for if you do, you will lose your honour along with your rights.”
With the hope of meeting in independent, democratic and free tomorrows…
With hope, with resistance…
Ayten Öztürk, July 2022
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